Hat Humor
by Midnathething
Summary: It was April first. Naturally, the Marauders prepared a prank, though this one was longer-lasting than most. Dolores Umbridge was not prepared for the Sorting Hat to hit on her.
**Author's Note: Happy April Fools everyone! This year I wrote something with the Marauders. Now, pretty much the whole second half of this story is immature and inappropriate humor, so if you're not into that this probably isn't the fic for you. But it seemed like something the Marauders would do so this fic is a thing.**

 **-Midnathething**

The Marauders sat in an unusually grim silence, frowning at each other. "Well, we can't do nothing!" James exclaimed, sprawled on his bed.

Peter sighed into his pillow. "But how are we going to top last year? We don't have nearly enough time to turn everyone's hair purple like we planned, and we _can't_ just use the same prank as last year."

Clearly pouting, Sirius thumped his head on the floor of their dorm. "We shouldn't have tried shaving Filch's cat, the detention wasn't worth the loss in time."

"I don't think the scratches were worth it either." Remus agreed, looking at the healing wounds the quartet wore with a wince.

The Potter groaned. "I stand by my original statement."

"You'll die if Evans doesn't say yes?"

"Shut up, Sirius." James pushed himself into a sitting position. "We _can not_ do nothing for April Fools."

Chewing his thumbnail, Peter hummed. "I mean, everyone's expecting us to do something. If we did nothing they'd be on edge and expecting something that never comes. That's almost a prank, right?"

James and Sirius blinked at Peter. "Well, yeah but-" James began.

"That's lazy and Peeves would kill us." Sirius finished.

The next thirty minutes were spent in a similar fashion, before Remus abruptly jumped to his feet. "Guys, the hat idea."

The teenagers' plotting came to a halt.

James laughed. "Moony, you brilliant, brilliant man."

"The hat idea! Yes!" Sirius was grinning.

Peter was smiling too, though his smile shrunk after a few moments. "How are we going to get to the hat to set the prank up, though?" All four of them groaned.

Sirius suddenly grinned, it was one of his more frightening grins in Peter's opinion. "We have two options before us, boys. We can either guess random candies at the statue or do something _so_ _notable_ that we're taken to the headmaster."

"But how will we get him out of the office?" Peter asked aloud, chewing his lip.

"One of us is going to need to make a sacrifice for the greater good."

. . .

An hour and a half later the Marauders were sitting in front of Albus Dumbledore, innocent smiles firmly in place. Peter laughed nervously. "Fancy running into you here, headmaster."

Albus rose an eyebrow. "Is it really, Mr. Pettigrew? You four are, after all, in my office." His tone was colored with amusement.

"Ah..." Peter shrunk a little, cheeks flushed in embarrassment.

Remus gave his friend a comforting pat on the back. "We, uh, weren't expecting you to be _in_ your office, Sir."

"You know it's lunch time, don't you headmaster?" Sirius pointed out, shifting in his seat as he debated leaning it back onto two legs. The Black decided against it with a shake of his head, instead adding, "We thought you'd be eating. Got to keep your strength up as you advance in years and all."

Albus' eyebrow rose further. "We've been told that growing breads as majestic as yours take quite a bit of energy, Sir." James solemnly explained.

Eyes twinkling, Albus nodded. "I see."

"You know, speaking of lunch," Sirius began, abruptly wobbling, "It helps the room _not spin_ , right...?" The teen fell out of his chair with a moan. "So... Dizzy, need... Lunch."

The headmaster's eyes widened in alarm and he quickly rose from his seat, halting Sirius' fall with a flick of his wand. "Oh my! You three stay here, I'm going to take Mr. Black to the hospital wing." The wizard left the room, Sirius floating behind him.

The Marauders sat in silence for a few seconds.

"I can not believe how much of a drama queen he is." Remus sighed once they were certain the headmaster was out of earshot.

Peter laughed a little. "That _is_ why we decided he should be the one to distract the headmaster."

"Both of you make excellent points," James laughed, "But we've got work to do."

The three rose and sync and moved over to the sorting hat, which was snoring quietly. "The hat didn't want to watch us have another chat with the headmaster." Remus noted dryly, "We've been here so often that it's lost interest."

"Well," Peter smiled, "We'll just have to correct that."

The next half hour was spent with muttered charms, a carefully monitored doorway, and convincing the paintings to not tell the headmaster what they'd done. When the Marauders heard someone approaching they darted back to their seats, morphing their expressions back into those of concerned friends who'd just seen their dorm-mate pass out. When the headmaster entered the room he was pelted with questions. Was Sirius okay? Had he gotten lunch? Would he be okay? Had his mother done something? Could they go check on him? What on earth had made him think that shade of yellow and purple agreed with each-other?

Albus rose his hands in a wordless request for silence. When the three Marauders were quiet again he answered, "Yes, Mr. Black will be alright. Poppy said that he had eaten something that, among other things, made him dizzy. He will most-likely be sick to his stomach when he regains consciousness." The headmaster paused. "And what's wrong with this shade of purple with yellow?"

James was elbowed by Remus and Peter. "Nothing, Sir. It's just a matter of personal opinion I guess..." James answered, shooting his friends glares as he rubbed his now aching sides.

"Would it be rude to ask if we can leave so that we can check on Sirius, sir?" Remus asked nervously.

The headmaster's eyes were twinkling again. "No Mr. Lupin. You three may go."

Peter, James, and Remus were gone almost immediately after Albus had finished speaking.

"Now, I wonder what they did to my office..."

. . .

Albus watched Umbridge pace about his office with a - somewhat strained - neutral expression. The witch was currently ranting about how the behavior of his students was despicable and _if he didn't do something about it she would_. It was, if Albus was being completely honest, tiring and irritating. He had _three_ jobs, was trying to stop Voldemort - who they refused to believe was back - from returning to his reign of terror, and he had to deal with Peeves. Regularly. He really didn't care about what she thought about the behavior of the students, especially since she'd proven herself to be more of a danger to the students than the _students_ were.

"-And above all else," Her shrill voice cut into his thoughts, "I find it hard to believe that you don't see anything wrong with what those Weasley twins are doing. They are menaces!"

Albus opened his mouth to respond but was cut off by the hat. "That's not the only thing you'll find _hard_ to believe."

Umbridge's skin became an interesting shade of pinkish-purple. "Excuse me?"

The Dumbledore had to force himself to not laugh. "I do believe the Sorting Hat has just used a pickup line on you, Dolores."

The witches skin was more purple than pink now. "Why I ought to- The nerve- Auror Richard, Auror Nicholas, come in here at once!"

The hat took a moment to snicker, before quiping, "Oh, so _that's_ what you're into."

The Aurors entered the room, shooting each-other uncertain looks. Richard, if Albus remembered correctly, had been a quiet half-blood Hufflepuff and Nicholas had been a Ravenclaw in the dueling club before its disappointing shut down. Their expressions as they processed just _what_ the hat had said were almost enough to make Albus fall into a fit of giggles. Almost.

"What are you on about?" Dolores demanded, expression pinched.

"You're the one who brought your Dick." The hat declared, shooting Richard an amused look. The Auror made an incoherent, distressed noise.

If looks could have killed the look Dolores gave the hat would have set it ablaze and salted the ashes. "Aurors, undo whatever... Whatever is making the sorting hat do _that_!"

Richard was still making strangled noises of distress so Nicholas stepped forward, drawing his wand. He murmured a spell under his breath, twitching his wand in a quick circle.

The hat laughed, then spoke. With the voice of a teenage Remus Lupin. "Mr. Moony extends his compliments to Nicholas for his fancy spell work, but must inform him that he has failed to remove the enchantments upon the Sorting Hat. Badly."

James Potter's voice spoke next, "Mr. Prongs would like to apologize to Nicholas and Richard, as they are currently working under an overgrown toad with attitude issues."

"Mr. Padfoot wishes to inform the aforementioned toad that she had made this _far_ too easy and that the shade of pink she is wearing looks hideous with the shade of purple her skin has become." Sirius Black's voice continued.

Peter's voice spoke through the hat last, "Mr Wormtail would like to thank the Sorting Hat for putting up with our shenanigans and wonders how long it took Peeves to find out about this set of enchantments."

The hat fell silent, though Albus noted that it was smiling. After a bit of sputtering, Dolores turned and stalked out of the room, leaving a confused pair of Aurors behind.

"Would either of you like a lemon drop?"


End file.
